Death Rays and "We have no idea..."

I'm not a news junkie. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I like skimming headlines, reading the first two paragraphs of a story that catches my eye, then moving on. It's not ADD, or ADHD, and I'm not lazy. I just don't like reading depressing stories, tales of corrupt politicians, frontline exploits of a war that never should have been, and whatnot. It's heart-breaking, and we've all got too much on our plates right now to keep shoveling that down our pipes. So I don't ignore it, but I don't dwell on it either. I know what's going on, but my having detailed knowledge of every little shred of information will not improve the situations, so I keep my level of interest to the maximum that I'm comfortable with.

But then something pops up that just strikes me as funny, insane, stupid, or a mad scientist's amalgam of all of the above. The first story that caught my eye was found on Yahoo. It was written by Brett Michael Dykes and posted on September 29. The headline reads, and I quote, "Swanky new Vegas hotel's 'death ray' proves inconvenient for some guests." OK, color me tickled...

Apparently, the new Vdara hotel in Sin City is a concave-shaped building whose exterior is all glass. These two facts, coupled with the oh-so-brutal Nevada sun, creates this "sort of magnifying-glass effect" that has burned guests in the pool area and melted plastic. Anticipating this possibility beforehand, the designers placed a film over the glass. It hasn't helped. So here's my question: Seriously? No one thought that placing a giant magnifying glass in the freakin' Nevada desert might create a small-scale Death Star and fry us poor ants looking for some quiet in between the all-you-can-eat buffets and progressive slots? OK, they put a "film" over the glass...big whoop. Isn't that like using cling wrap to look at a solar eclipse?

To compensate, the hotel has put out large umbrellas in the pool area until they can fix the problem. I say don't fix the problem. I say use it. You've got a "death ray" that can melt plastic, and the whole thing beams right down into a pool. I say that's a good start for some great outdoor cooking. Can you imagine how many lobsters and shrimp they could fit in that pool? Add some pulled pork and ribs stations around the edge of the pool area, LOTS of beer, and enough salad fixin's to choke Harvey, and you've got one helluva party. And, bonus!, no one would complain about Darth Vdara zapping their skin off.

Or maybe I should just stop talking...

The other thing that caught my attention this week was a commercial I saw on TV. Now, usually I don't pay heed to what's on during commercial breaks. Like most of you, I find commercials tedious at best. But while I'm sitting there waiting for my show to come back on, I hear this commercial for some new drug. (Don't know the name, don't care.) It's your standard "this is why we're so amazing, and these are the NUMEROUS side effects we cause, but use us anyway, please?" drug commercial. But here's the kicker. At one point the narrator actually used the phrase, "Fukytal (name changed cuz it's funnier) is thought to work by..." Um, 'scuse me? It's "thought" to work? You spend millions of dollars developing this drug, getting it through the FDA, marketing it, and you don't KNOW how it works? What, exactly, was your testing like?

"Here, Bob, (sorry, Dr. Bob) try this pill."
"Tastes like an M&M."
"OK, try this one."
"Tic Tac?"
"Very good. And this one?"
"Haven't had this before, but all my problems are solved. How'd you do it?"
"I'm not sure, but I'm glad you ate the M&M first. Just in case."

I'm sorry, but if you're a pharmaceutical company developing new drugs that you expect us to buy and use continually, then please, for the love of whatever God you pray to, do not go on national television and tell us you don't know how it works. It's fine if you don't, just don't tell us that. I don't need to know how a cow became the porterhouse I wolfed down yesterday to know that I enjoyed it. Consequently, I don't need to be told that you don't know how your own drug works. Lie to me. Tell me it works by putting rainbows in my head and making everything smell like Chunky Monkey ice cream. I'll know you're lying, but I'll accept it. You tell me you don't know, and our relationship is over.

At least, that's how I think it works...

So for now, those are the two stories that have me entertained. More will come. They always do. If you've heard of any, please share. Include links if you can; I'm always looking for more ways to laugh. Aren't you?

Be Gentle...It's My First Time

And truthfully, Mile High "Madness" may be pushing it. I'm not some wild and crazy dingus looking to toot his own horn. I am, however, in an interesting place in my life. One I'd like to share with people either in the same situation (and I hope to God you're not), or about to be. So, for my first ever blog post, I'm going to give you some history - a brief one, we have just met, after all - about who I am and why I'm here.

You know those people who don't do anything with their lives? Not the "I'm the VP of XYZ Corp., marrried to a supermodel, driving a new car every month, vacationing in a summer home bigger than the White House, but inside I'm lonely and unsatisfied" types, the "how in the hell did I get to be 36 without ever doing anything" types. Well, that's me. Not sure how it happened, to be honest, but I've got a few ideas.

I was shy in high school. Again, not the "Shawn's really cool, but he's kind of shy" type, the "who the hell is Shawn?" type. It was nobody's fault except mine. And after high school, I worked really hard to not be that guy anymore. Sometimes it worked; mostly, it didn't.  Leaving out a lot of details, we'll just jump ahead to last year. ..

I was 2 years into a great marriage, and 7 years into a crappy job. If I had stayed at the job any longer, the marriage would've suffered. So, rather than caving in to her primal urges and bludgeoning me with a frying pan or her old PC (a perfect excuse, in her mind, to go buy a new one), my wife was nice enough to tell me it was time to go back to school and finish my degree. She was right, and I did. I enrolled at the Metropolitan State College of Denver as a journalism major in January 2009. I took one class, but not because I was lazy; I waited too long and it was the only one available. (Hey, I said it "sometimes" worked, didn't I?)

For the next 18 months, that was my life. I went to school full-time and took care of the house while my wife supported us. Things were great, for me. I wasn't working at all, but I was writing again, which I hadn't done since dropping out of college the first time. (Again, my fault, no one else's.) I was in the blossoming stages of a freelance writing business...

SHAMELESS PLUG!!!!!

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END SHAMLESS PLUG!!!!!

...and I was practically letting our two little dogs starve from neglect while I worked on my novel. (As for the dogs, that's really saying something. If you saw them, you'd know it wouldn't take much to let them waste away.) Then, well, things changed. They usually do. Sometimes you see it coming, most of the time you don't.

This time, I didn't.

My wife, for reasons that remain between her and I (and family members who already know everything), decided to end our marriage after 3 years. That was three months ago. Since then, like most of America apparently, I've been looking for a job. With no money of my own, and no prospects, I have moved back in with my parents. Like everyone else, I'm sending out countless resumes every day. I'm even qualified for some  of the positions, so that's kind of a bonus. So far, however, it's come down to one nibble, and they just threw me back for a bigger catch.

Which brings me (FINALLY!!! you say) to the reason for this blog. I'm here because I want to write. I am not able to make a living at it just yet, but I don't want to stop doing it either. A few of the jobs I'm looking at require some blogging experience, which until...oh, I don't know...15 minutes ago I didn't have, and this gives me something to show them when the selection process starts. It's also a way for me to control the emotions, good and bad. I'm here because I don't want to stop doing something I love, and I want other people to be able to speak up, and speak out, about the things that are happening to them.

I have a lot to say on things, I'm just not an expert on any of them. I know, I know...who is? But they're out there. Trust me. This internet thingy wouldn't be as popular if someone wasn't doing well at it.

Anyway, enough for one day. I'm not here to tell you about things you should know, or things you want to know. I'm here to talk about things that affect everyone. They have affected us, they do affect us, and they will affect us. I welcome all reasonable and polite feedback and comments, and will do what I can to entertain you with the minute details of a life evolving.

See you again soon. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.